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Day From Hell

Good Morning, Sunshine!

Not really… not really. Horseshoe tried to update my iPhone last night and now it’s dead. (Did I mention that Horseshoe has been in technology for 30 years). So now, not only do I need to get Frat Boy to school and Politico to the doctor (because he has gotten the flu that the rest of the family has just gotten over) I have the joy of spending most the rest of my day at the Apple store.

Thanks for the update, Horseshoe, NOT!

Thanks for the update, Horseshoe, NOT

This is turning out to be the day I wish I could start over already.

After taking Politico to the doctor and leaving him in the car for three hours while I was in the Apple store, while burning through a tank of gas…(don’t judge me, he is sick… it was parked right in front of the store), I still don’t have a working phone.

Went to get Frat Boy from school and needed to take him to 3rd grade basketball practice but couldn’t find his ball (Horseshoe had it last and doesn’t know what happened to it, of course). So I picked him up and went to Target 30 minutes away from practice because it is the closest place that sells basketballs. Got the ball, on sale for 50% off and I think the day is turning around again, right? Nope… I take him to where his practice is normally held and it’s a 5th grade game. I have Politico check his phone to see where practice is tonight (would have gotten a text, had I had a phone) and his cell phone plan maxes out and the phone shuts down.

I asked a parent if I could use her phone to check where practice is and she says NO! So I drive to another school, thinking it might be there, 25 minutes away and it’s another 5th grade game.  Asked another parent if I could use his phone (picked a guy this time) and HE said NO!  Not sure if I just look like shit because of just getting over being sick or if I really have bad karma today.

About to loose it here

About to loose it here

So I decide to drive home. I get home to Horseshoe in the kitchen getting himself dinner.  He leaves to go to the apple store for me and I proceed to make dinner for the kids which they REFUSE to eat!

Pause…Beer #1

Beer #1

Beer #1

Kids get in a fight and I start screaming. Politico then pops a blood vessel in his nose and is bleeding like a stuck pig all over the freshly clean kitchen (that I did before I left for the apple store).

Bleeding like a stuck pig

Bleeding like a stuck pig

Pause…Beer #2

Beer #2

Beer #2

Horseshoe thinks he can sweet talk the “genius” guy at the apple store into giving him an upgrade on my phone. Which is why he claimed that HE should go to return my phone (you know, the one in MY name).

Horseshoe does it again!

Horseshoe does it again!

While I was arguing with the children to eat their food, a friggen stink bug flies into my hair! I looked like I was having a seizure because I didn’t know what it was but could feel it and hear the buzzing.  It flew out of my hair onto the dining room light fixture.  At this point the kids are laughing hysterically stabbing their food with their forks and knives chanting KILL IT, KILL IT, KILL IT!




Going for….Pause…Beer #3

Beer #3

Beer #3

WTF??? It is 7 degrees outside, this is the first bug I have seen since summer. I captured it (because I would have thrown up if I killed it and it stunk) and threw it out the front door. Which the devil dog (Horseshoe’s Piranha that I have a hate/hate relationship with) tried escaping from. I actually kicked him and begged him to bite me so I could shove him out, but he didn’t…

Horseshoe's Piranha

Horseshoe’s Piranha


I didn’t wait up for Horseshoe. I had one more beer and went to bed. Maybe it wasn’t really the day from hell. Just an overall shitty set of bad karma circumstances. You can’t make this shit up!

Hope this gave you a chuckle. You never know the adventures that await you in Two States of Chaos!




Happy Birthday, Horseshoe!

Like I don’t have enough going on in my life right now, let’s add to the chaos by starting a blog before I even kick off the new year.

Today is Horseshoe’s birthday.  My husband got this nickname because he is the kind of guy that does everything last minute, he is totally disorganized, has ADHD is a “type A” personality but somehow manages to pull things off at the last second and comes out smelling like a rose. Or, as I like to put it, he has a permanent horseshoe up his butt! He is crass and opinionated, but he’s the funniest person I have ever met and that is one reason why we have been able to stay together for so long.

So here I am, trying to figure out what to say in my first post for this blog that I really shouldn’t be doing, because I have a million other things to do today. I can hear my youngest, Frat Boy, screaming downstairs because Horseshoe just turned off the TV. Frat Boy has been watching the same two minute clip of a segment in the Star Wars movie for about an hour now (more on his persevering in a future post). My oldest, Politico, is outside enjoying the first snow of the season by trying to ride a toddler-style wagon down the large, steep hill in our backyard. Now I know that this isn’t the safest thing he could be doing; however, I have learned to pick my battles and I figure if he wasn’t doing this, he would be doing something much more dangerous. This is only the second year I have been able to let Politico go outside by himself without having to constantly be at his side in fear that he would run away or go for a swim in the river which is not far from our house.  Now I know there are many people who wouldn’t understand why on earth a 5 and 9 year old would be doing what they are doing, but if you have or know a child on the spectrum, it all makes sense.

I dread this time of year. My usual chaos gets kicked up a few notches at the end of November and runs through January. In that time frame, I have our wedding anniversary, Thanksgiving, Politico’s birthday, My Father in Law’s birthday, Horseshoe’s birthday and Christmas. Then there are the school parties. I am always compelled to be the one who provides the treats for the classrooms. Couple that with my 15 years of Catholic education and the Catholic guilt that has been instilled from that, and I have to go above and beyond in trying to provide treats that would rival Buddy Valastro from Cake Boss. Of course, my sweet treats have to be gluten free, dairy free, soy free, nut free and corn free in order to accommodate my own kids allergies.

To top off the Chaos, I usually have a month’s worth of company at our house. In a perfect world, both sides of the family would join together, stay at a hotel, and enjoy a fun filled few days with us to celebrate the holiday in true Christmas spirit. Our families, however, can’t seem to be in the same room with each other without things playing out like two rival mob families at a wedding. It starts off nice, but inevitably a fist gets slammed down on the table and the threats begin. Whole family get togethers were put to an end a few years ago when one of my closest friends called my MIL a bitch at the dinner table.  Now, my dad comes one week, my FIL another and my MIL another week.  In the middle of this, I usually have friends from out of state come and stay with us.  Why do they stay here you ask? To get away from their family chaos of course!  I usually try to keep myself at a consistent level of being just drunk enough not to tell anyone off.  Unfortunately, that is also not sober enough to get in the car and leave when I need to get away from it all. The end result is that I drink even more I should and wind up screaming at Horseshoe for letting things get to this point in the first place. Hey, someone has to be to blame for this and it certainly can’t be me!  By the way, we now commemorate each Christmas dinner by presenting a bottle of Bitch wine to the queen or king bitch of the day.  Ahhh… You’ve got to love a good Christmas tradition.  I have yet to receive a bottle.  However, I’m feeling like this year may be my year.

My brain has always worked much faster than my body.  I am usually pretty good at being able to multitask, but around the holidays my body gives out on me in one of many ways.  For example, last year right before Christmas I got the swine flu.  The year before, I broke my right foot on a Matchbox car the kids left at the bottom of the stairs.  This year, I have a bulging disc in my back.  This isn’t anything new for me since I had my first slipped disc at the tender age of 16.  That’s a whole other rant, so I’ll save that one for another day.  It is not easy to take care of two little humans who act more like crocodiles, buy and wrap gifts for 28 teachers/therapists plus the kids, buy and ship gifts for the rest of the family, go to two Holiday concerts at the kids’ school, attend kids’ parties, send Christmas cards, blah,blah,blah…. You get the picture, right?

So tonight we have a sitter and plan on going out to dinner with friends for Horseshoe’s Birthday.  I’m sitting here with an ice pack on my back, after pausing my thoughts on this note, to wrap and ship gifts for the rest of the family, which I did in the only safe place in the house – the guest bed in the basement, of course.  If you have ever had a bulging disc in your lower back, you know that you can’t control your stomach muscles and there is a huge amount of swelling in that area from inflammation.  I’m trying to figure out where to take the hubby for dinner tonight and still be able to go in my sweat pants since none of my pants will fit and I can’t get into heels without being horizontal.  (We all know that’s not going to happen tonight.  Good thing for the hubby that Christmas is just a week away.)   I’m thinking about the nice Polish Buffet which right next to W*l-M*rt. I figure that way I can eat all I want without feeling stuffed, and then we can take a stroll next door in my perfect W*l-M*rt attire to stock up on more stuff we don’t need.

Note to self:  Don’t forget to pick up some alcohol while you’re there to get yourself through the holidays.